How can we help children be more emotionally regulated?

Children aren’t born being able to manage their ‘big’ emotions. This skill develops over time through experience, education, and modelling. Yet more and more parents and childcare settings are reporting increasing numbers of dysregulated children.

In an increasingly busy and noisy world for both children and their parents, being able to regulate emotions is crucial for building confidence, resilience, and connection. Whilst some children are naturally more emotionally intelligent than others, it is a skill which can be taught and has been linked to numerous positive adults in adulthood. 

What is emotional dysregulation?

When a child experiences difficulties managing an emotion. They struggle to recognise how they are feeling and choose a behavioural response which does not serve them in the moment, for example biting, hitting, or having a tantrum. 

Why are we seeing an increase in emotional dysregulation?

The answer sadly isn’t as simple as one or two factors – it’s a combination of many factors. The most common of which are:

• Overstimulated environment
• Difficulties communicating their needs 
• Poor sleep 
• Lack of predictability 
• Lack of boundaries 
• Their emotional needs remaining unmet
• A character predisposition

How can we help children be more emotionally regulated?

It’s best to adopt a two-pronged approach. Children learn more quickly when home and childcare settings use similar language, and the approach to skill-building is the same. The focus ought to begin with – “how can we best manage those big emotions in the moment?”, and “how can we build their emotional skills so they move from dysregulation to regulation more quickly?” 

Getting parents on-side

Parents are increasingly anxious when it comes to raising their children. Social platforms have made parenting more public, and the perfectly curated news feed only fuels their anxieties. This can mean parents take ‘perceived’ criticism badly or their own poor self-regulation creates a difficult spiral. 

Clearly communicating to parents we are on the same side, they are supported, and there is no judgement is crucial. Every family operates in their own bubble and rarely considers others may be struggling with the same challenges they are. You’ll notice similarities in supporting parents and supporting children – this is intentional. 

Managing emotional dysregulation in the moment

1. Make sure we respond to the child in an emotionally regulated way. This happens when we reflect daily on our own stress bucket and prioritise healthy ways to empty it. This allows us to show up for children as the best version of ourselves, rather than an exhausted, overwhelmed shell. 
2. Acknowledge their emotions. Regardless of their behavioural choice, the emotion is always valid – it’s the behaviour we seek to change.
3. Label the emotion. Even if you are not entirely sure, have a guesstimate. Research shows by naming the emotion we diffuse some of the intensity.
4. Provide a safe space for the child to work through the experience. Remind them they are safe, loved, and you are there for them. The feeling will pass when we continue to hold the safe space for them. 

Building their emotional toolkit

1. Reflect on dysregulated moments and problem-solve how they might manage them differently next time.
2. Build their emotional vocabulary by labelling emotions regularly, how they may show up in their body, and what they may be able to do to help work through it.
3. Create a toolkit which they are access regularly when they experience big and small emotions.

About the author
Dr Maryhan is a Psychologist, Parenting Expert and Host of globally successful How Not to Screw Up Your Kids Podcast. For over 20 years Dr Maryhan has been supporting children with anxiety and helping parents raise confident, resilient children. Her practical approach has been hailed by parents, schools and organisations and earned her a reputation for straight-talking, non-judgemental, real advice.

Want more expert, early years advice? Stay on top of your learning, sign up to Kinderly Learn!